The Miscreation of Stig

All things must come to an end...

Life is full of surprises and small unexpected ups and downs. It can be almost anything, as long as you're not prepared for it. It can be good or bad, it can be big or small. When it's big, regardless if it's good or bad, your brain freezes up for a couple of seconds before you realize what just happened. And when your brain unfreezes and finally register what's going on, your world either shines extra bright or kicks you in the head with a steel toed boot.

Bergen. the city of blinding lights (sun reflecting off the fish scales scattered on the pier)

Well! I'm back! And I'm Kickin' n' Screamin'! Well... actually... no.

My mother asked me a couple of weeks ago if I wanted to speak to a group of parents on how it has been to grow up with a sister who is mentally challenged (Tuberos Sklerosis). My first thought was: "Right-o! No problemo mi mamo!" and everything went well for a long time. But then! Yesterday it hit me. I'm going to tell a group of strangers some of my inner thoughts. No, actually, quite a lot of my inner thoughts and even some of my deep, deep buried feelings.

A thought entered my mind. "This sucks..."

Life is good... or something...

Somehow, and I'm not sure how, life has taken a turn. A very good turn I might add. My joy for studying has returned and so has my lust for life. I find myself wanting to meet people... and that's something... lately I have felt that I HAVE to meet people... But now things have turned...

Peace out...
Let Love Live

Freedom!

Just what I needed! A quick trip to the city. Just to get out of this building and breathe some fresh exhaust. I'm a bit embarased to say so, but sometimes I just love Oslo, despite the fact that it is ugly.

Let love live...

A study of boredom...

In the last week I have experienced a new meaning of the word bored. With the final exams closing in, there seem to be a growing silence in the entire house. The funny thing is, that when you are really really bored, any change is welcome. Yesterday one of my fellow students asked me if i wanted to watch the film on TV. It was a thrilling and an unusually funny experience, despite the fact that the movie sucked.  There are 8 students in this building and all of them are reading (Including me of course... I'm reading too, no doubt about that...) It does not help to be flat broke either. This sucks... I wish i was in Bergen (no offence everybody, but I'd rather be with Sandra...)

Signing out and back to the kingdom of the bored...

Buried and forgotten... Almost....

I've lived in a state of mind since I was a kid, that if anybody said something negative about me, I believed it. And if anybody said something positive, I didn't believe them. Because I have heard all my life that I'm no good at anything. When you believe every negative person, and have a general disbelief to any positive comments on my behavior or skills, my self-image continued to fall faster and faster. I had a break when I was fourteen when two of the cool guys at summer camp recognized something cool in me. It slowed down the de-construction of my self-image. I believe it could have gotten much better, but one year later a tragedy occurred. The oldest of those two cool guys, died in a car crash. I was devastated, and so was his friend. The result was that we slowly drifted apart because no one of us knew how to handle it. The result, at the age of 22, is that I have problems handling compliments. When people say something positive to me I smile and say thank you, but inside I say liar... I have successfully built a wall to protect myself from feeling anything.

Then this girl comes along, smiling and unaware of her devastating powers. She plants a seed in the walls I've built up, and quickly they start to crack up and crumble. All the feelings that I have kept hidden inside suddenly comes out in the daylight. Everything I knew to be safe and comforting was swept away. The pain, the hurt, the sorrow. Things I knew to be safe... Gone in an instant. I suddenly began to feel again... And since there had been so much buried inside, I began to feel everything all at once. My mind was blown away...
She began giving me compliments and telling me how much she liked me. And I found myself doing what I always did. I smiled and said thank you... But something inside me said: Stop! What are you doing?!? You have to believe her!

My head said *pop*.... This doesn't add up. This isn't right. She is toying with me... She will stop when she finds out who I REALLY am...

Funny thing was, she didn't... She still tells me how great I am... And I think I finally believe her... And it feels good

But it is frightening...

Hopeless and dwindling, though seeing a speck of light in the far distance...
Let love live...

Cruel world

Sometimes the volume of the world makes me want to leave it. Not by ending my life. I want to disconnect my mind and float away into oblivion. The mean and cruel things in the world sometimes make me lose my faith in the good. By the time I've finished this post, thousands upon thousands have been beaten, raped, molested and/or murdered. The cruelty of some people makes me sick. At the same time I stop to wonder what makes these people do what they do? How has their lives been to make them believe that what they do is right? Do they know what's right? What's wrong? How is their perspective on reality? Have they ever experienced love?

The world is a cruel place, although, some places, patches of flowers grow strong and colorful...

Let love live

Hard to let go of the bull horns

Sometimes I feel that it's hard to let go of the past, no matter how painful it was, and in some ways still is.

I have a problem letting go of things in the past, mistakes I did, opportunities I didn't grab. I often think of myself as a no-good loser who never finishes anything. I rarely turn around and look ahead at what lies in front of me. The few times that has happened, I find myself still looking back over my shoulder. And seeing what lies behind me I lose hope. I lose my faith in good times.

Lately I have come to a conclusion.
The way I think about myself and the world around me, is like riding a bull heading for the cliffs and the deep abyss. I hold on because it hurts less than letting go. But I have also realized that if I don't let go, I will go over the cliff along with the bull. If I let go it will hurt, but the wounds will heal. If I let go I might land in a bush or a lake, and it will hurt even less.

Do I have the courage to let go of the bull horns?

Struck...

Sometimes, more often than not lately, my head feels like a rotten egg, ready to pop at any time. I'm depressed, I do not see a light at the end of the hallway. I feel empty, but at the same time full. I feel envy because people I know knows how to do something I don't. I can't do anything myself. I always brag about what others can do. I feel pain and regret for not being able to do things. At the same time I feel joy and happiness for finding a girl like Sandra. It is strange and kind of annoying. But most of all it is scary. It is scary to be loved because it makes you vulnerable and easy to hurt. Easy to crush like a fly on a white wall, leaving a smear of red blood. Blood from the heart. I sometimes wonder if I am in the wrong dragging Sandra into my life. Asking her to share my miserable life.

Hopeless and dwindling, though seeing a speck of light in the far distance...

The Re-creation of Stig

I'm not sure how to start this blogg, it was a spur of the moment kind of thing.

I am trying to explain to myself and others what's going on inside my head, so I can understand it myself, and others around me can understand why I sometimes behave like I do. From time to time I am going to write down my thoughts and feelings. So that it may be of help to myself and others.
I am fully aware of the fact that there are a lot of people out there who has had a worse time than me, but there are also many who have had a far better one too.

Any comments are welcome, although offensive messages will be deleted if they are of more damage than use.

I hope this will inspire.
Stig