I've lived in a state of mind since I was a kid, that if anybody said something negative about me, I believed it. And if anybody said something positive, I didn't believe them. Because I have heard all my life that I'm no good at anything.
When you believe every negative person, and have a general disbelief to any positive comments on my behavior or skills, my self-image continued to fall faster and faster. I had a break when I was fourteen when two of the cool guys at summer camp recognized something cool in me. It slowed down the de-construction of my self-image. I believe it could have gotten much better, but one year later a tragedy occurred. The oldest of those two cool guys, died in a car crash. I was devastated, and so was his friend. The result was that we slowly drifted apart because no one of us knew how to handle it.
The result, at the age of 22, is that I have problems handling compliments. When people say something positive to me I smile and say thank you, but inside I say liar... I have successfully built a wall to protect myself from feeling anything.
Then this girl comes along, smiling and unaware of her devastating powers. She plants a seed in the walls I've built up, and quickly they start to crack up and crumble. All the feelings that I have kept hidden inside suddenly comes out in the daylight. Everything I knew to be safe and comforting was swept away. The pain, the hurt, the sorrow. Things I knew to be safe... Gone in an instant. I suddenly began to feel again... And since there had been so much buried inside, I began to feel everything all at once. My mind was blown away...
She began giving me compliments and telling me how much she liked me. And I found myself doing what I always did. I smiled and said thank you... But something inside me said: Stop! What are you doing?!? You have to believe her!
My head said *pop*.... This doesn't add up. This isn't right. She is toying with me... She will stop when she finds out who I REALLY am...
Funny thing was, she didn't... She still tells me how great I am... And I think I finally believe her... And it feels good
But it is frightening...
Hopeless and dwindling, though seeing a speck of light in the far distance...
Let love live...